Sexuality
and Sex Therapy
Despite the fact that we live in the post-Victorian,
post-human potential movement, post-free love movement,
we are still uncomfortable with our own sexuality. One would
think that with all of the talk about sex, all of the books
written about sex, and all of the movies depicting sexuality,
we would finally have reached a point in our evolution where
we would be as comfortable talking about and experimenting
with sex as we are talking about food, sharing sexual information
as readily as we share recipes. But this is not the case.
Generally we carry the belief that we should
know everything there is to know about sex as if sexual
behavior was encoded in our DNA. Most of us carry attitudes
about sexuality that we learned when we were adolescents.
We seldom take the time to update that information and so
as adults we operate on the basis of adolescent notions
of sexuality. Ignorance is one of most effective deterrents
to effective sexual functioning.
We are uncomfortable talking to our friends
about sex; we are uncomfortable asking for help with our
sexuality, and we certainly would not take lessons in how
to increase our enjoyment of sex. We will take cooking classes
to learn how to prepare a gourmet meal. We will take dancing
lessons to better be able to trip the lights fantastic.
We will take golf lessons, tennis lessons, and any number
of other lessons to increase our expertise and enhance our
abilities. However, when it comes to sex we assume that
we should be able to function optimally without help. Furthermore,
if we should want to increase our sexual pleasure or should
we feel uncomfortable with some aspect of our sexual life,
we feel embarrassed in seeking counsel.
Human Sexuality
There are no rules for the human sexual
response. We can respond to the same sex or the opposite
sex. We can have a sexual response when we are alone or
with someone. We respond to living beings and inanimate
objects. Human sexuality includes all of the senses - smell,
touch, sound, sight, and taste. Sexuality involves imagination,
fantasy, and imagery.
Boys tend to learn about their sexuality
through locker room talk, erotic magazines and movies, and
trial and error. Girls gain their sexual knowledge through
conversations with other girls and women, love stories and
movies, and experience. For men the sexual act is a combination
of pleasure, sexual release, and power. For women, sexuality
is intimacy, affection, and pleasure. Just think about the
terms men and women use when referring to sex. Male terms
tend to be aggressive, even hostile, while female terms
are gentle, loving, and even spiritual. Women make love,
men get laid.
These attitudes and values affect the manner
in which the genders approach sexuality and, in large measure,
contributes to their appreciation of the sex act. Furthermore,
these values affect how men and women perceive themselves
and how they view each other. Generally, men establish their
identity through performance. From childhood through adulthood,
they measure themselves by such things as how far they can
spit, how fast they can run, how far they can throw a football,
grade point average, penis size, salary size, staying power
in bed, and the number of women they can “conquer.” One
way or another, performance matters. Women measure themselves
by how attractive they are to men, the power held by the
men that are attracted to them, and by how they are treated
by these men. If men treat them kindly then they are good,
if men treat them poorly they perceive themselves as bad.
Men and women bring these attitudes into
the bed room, playing out their roles as performer and seductress.
During love making, the male is concerned with whether he
will perform well enough or whether he will fail. Rather
than focusing on his loved one, he is concerned whether
she will be pleased with his performance. She, on the other
hand, is concerned with whether he will think she is attractive
enough. Is her buttocks too big or are her breasts are too
small?
The Dance of Sex
Love making is similar to ballroom dancing.
Each person may or may not be a good dancer. One person
may be a great dancer and the other may not be terrific.
However, it is how they dance together that matters. Some
people can dance well alone, but not with a partner. To
be beautiful and satisfying, ballroom dancing demands cooperation,
communication, and consideration. One partner must not go
on his or her own without communicating to the partner;
and the partners must cooperate. No couple expects to dance
well together, no matter how well either one may dance alone,
without practicing together. It does not matter how easy
it might be to dance with other partners, one’s current
partner is the one that matters if you wish to become a
good ballroom dance team.
All of this is true for love making as
well. Yet we often believe that good love making should
“come naturally,” without education. We covet beliefs that
somehow people should know how to make love together and
should not have to talk about it or practice with the intent
of improving our style so that it is mutually satisfying.
Clearly, if your dance partner continuously stepped on your
toes and was unwilling to discuss the matter, it would not
take long before you either stop dancing or find a different
partner. Yet the majority of couples do not communicate
about their love making and are not open to exploring their
sexuality with one another. Even the most experienced lovers
often practice poor love making strategies. People, especially
men, become defensive when their partner wants to discuss
their sex life as if they were about to be criticized.
Communication between dance partners and
lovers is essential for having a satisfying experience.
The partners must frequently communicate verbally and nonverbally
with one another in order to learn to anticipate each others
moves. With sufficient practice, the dance of love seems
effortless. Lovemaking should be fun, playful, affectionate,
intimate, and fulfilling. When something goes awry, either
because of faulty communication, inappropriate attitudes,
or antiquated beliefs, a sexual dysfunction may emerge.
For forty years Dr. Dreyfus has been practicing
as a clinical psychologist and life coach in Santa Monica,
California where he specializes in individual psychotherapy,
relationship counseling, and sex therapy. He has recently
published two books, Someone Right for You: 21st Century
Strategies for Finding Your Special Someone and Keeping
Your Sanity (In an Insane World). For further information
or consultation regarding psychological issues, or life
coaching, email Dr.
Dreyfus.
